V.C.aRt

The Hunted - Ashamed of your stars?

THE HUNTED – If they were ordinary men they’d just keep running.

Two men…their hands tied behind their backs…flee for their life. A helicopter, hovering, swoops, wheels and searches like some malignant mechanical bat.
Ahead of them lies 400 miles of hostile terrain they must cross to escape. Between each other lies a deep mutual mistrust but they are bound by a common need – to escape and survive. MacConnachie moves by instinct. Ansell by reason.
On and on the two men are hunted by the unrelenting helicopter…If they were ordinary men they’d just keep running…But these fugitives are no ordinary men. They hunt back.

Cheap straight to video flick right?  Nothing to mark it out from the norm.  How about if I tell you the two stars are Robert Shaw and Malcolm McDowell!  That’s right the star of The Sting and Jaws alongside the star of A Clockwork Orange and If.   And not even worth a mention on the front cover!

Want to bet the title came first?

Lionman AND THE WITCHQUEEN – ‘RAW COURAGE AND CLAWS OF STEEL’

RAISED BY LIONS IN THE FOREST, LIONMAN, DAUNTLESS WARRIOR KING, STRUGGLES FOR HIS REIGN AND LIFE AGAINST HIS SWORN ENEMY, KING BELISARIUS AND THE OVERWHELMING POWER OF THE BEAUTIFUL WITCHQUEEN RHEASILVIA.

AIDED BY HIS FAITHFUL COMPANIONS, CHIMP, ANGEL AND FOXY, LIONMAN FIGHTS BACK THE KINGS’ CEASELESS AND DEADLY ATTACKS AND THE WITCHQUEEN’S POWER OF SPELLBINDING SORCERY WITH “RAW COURAGE AND CLAWS OF STEEL.”

“Chimp, Angel and Foxy”???  The mind boggles.  Mind you, by the time you read down to that point you’re probably well confused anyway.  Great title, great cover…but I think they would have been better off leaving the back blank (although if you could see the images on the back you’d be thinking PG??!

Ah, the old red lines.

The ARCHER and the SORCERESS

In this classic tale of sword and sorcery, a handsome young wanderer Toran (Lane Caudell) sets out to find the legendary sorcerer, Lazar-Sa, the only person who can help him reclaim his rightful title and avenge the death of his father (played by George Kennedy).

Having encountered many perils of his journey, he meets Estra, a beautiful sorceress from whom he inherits magical powers.  Battle can now commence…

Short and sweet, but ticks all the boxes for an 80’s fantasy flick.  The main thing of interest for me though is those red lines.  Remember them? No? But they were on everything for a while, comedy, adventure, drama…hang on, you weren’t really there were you!!

Big Production - Big Adventure - Big Girls

SLAVE GIRLS From Beyond Infinity – BIG PRODUCTION – BIG ADVENTURE – BIG GIRLS

IN A GALAXY NOT FAR AWAY, BIG SPACE GALLEYS ROAM THROUGH OUTERSPACE, MANNED BY CONVICT SLAVE GIRLS DOOMED TO A HELLISH EXISTENCE OF TORTURE, HELPLESS AGAINST THE DESIRES AND WHIMS OF THEIR MASTERS.  FROM ONE SUCH SHIP, OUR TWO BEAUTIFUL SLAVE GIRLS BREAK FOR FREEDOM ABOARD A STOLEN STARSHIP…

A FORCED CRASH LANDING THROWS THE GIRLS INTO A NIGHTMARE WORLD OF DEATH TRAPS, MUTANTS, ROBOTS AND FANTAZOID MONSTERS, AND “ZED” THE GREATEST HUNTER IN THE COSMOS.  GUESS WHO’S NEXT TO BE HUNTED????

WILL THEY ESCAPE, WILL THEY EVER BE PROPERLY DRESSED???? THIS SUSPENCE AND MORE POWERS THE COSMIC ADVENTURES OF THE SLAVE GIRLS FROM BEYOND INFINITY.

Capital letters AND excessive use of question marks.  Did they not realise we were sold after reading the front cover!  Interesting it’s an 18, it would probably rate about a PG these days.

Side Out - those 'crazy' pairings

Side Out – IT’S NOT ABOUT WINNING OR LOSING, IT’S ABOUT TAKING A SIDE.

Midwest college kid Monroe Clark thinks he has a great summer job lined up in his uncle Max’s Los Angeles law firm.  That is until he finds out exactly what he’s supposed to do…

Assigned to evict rentless tenants from their apartments, Monroe seems to spend his time being chased by dogs, hit by brooms and threatened by guns…  There’s got to be more to California than this!  The unlikely answer comes in the shape of former pro beach volleyball star Zack Barnes.  After a run in or two, Monroe and Barnes strike up a bargain.  If Monroe agrees to misfile the old man’s eviction papers, Zack will make him the expert beach volleyball player he longs to be.

The deal agreed, the hotshot from the Midwest and the deadbeat from LA team up to challenge the best in the game – and find themselves in the process.

Let’s get this straight, he was excited about working at his uncle’s law firm, but what he REALLY wanted was to be an expert volleyball player? Wow, it’s really lucky then that he not only met and befriended former pro beach volleyball star Zack Barnes, but that Zack also had a sticky legal problem he needed help with! Gotta love the buddy movie.